"Stop Dumping All Your Shit on Me" ...my thoughts on the the film 'STUTZ', dir. by Jonah Hill

The other day, during a mundane doom-scroll through my facebook timeline, I saw one my of girlfriends had posted something about “The new Jonah Hill documentary on Netflix—just, watch it.”

“…hmm. Ok, I like Jonah Hill. I’ll check it out.”

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting when I searched for it, but the trailer surprised me. It’s not actually a documentary about Jonah Hill, it’s a documentary about his therapist, Phil Stutz. Jonah Hill directed it, and the film mainly explores Stutz’ life through the lens of the method of therapy he invented.

Phil uses a series of notecards for each session with each patient, that he doodles and writes on as he’s talking with them. The main goal of his work seems to be imparting his patients with ‘tools’ to cope with mental health concerns, but also presenting them in a simple way that is easy to retain. He comes across more like a friend, rather than a doctor, but his work is clearly impactful and life-changing to his patients.

The film takes time to go over each one of the main tools he teaches, and there is a LOT of valuable information to gain from this movie. I ended up watching it twice, and taking notes.

First, I gotta say that I’m really enjoying Jonah Hill’s directorial eye. (I reallyreally enjoyed his debut Mid90s as well. If you haven’t seen that, I also highly recommend it.) Considering this is a documentary about therapy, I wasn’t expecting to be so visually captivated.. but the unique method of therapy that Phil Stutz teaches lended itself incredibly well to animation, and the way Jonah uses it to guide this story is brilliant. I am still thinking about those little doodles, days later, and I literally felt the ideas implanting into my brain immediately after seeing them. Presenting these big, life-changing tools in such a simple way is so profoundly important to our society. So many people don’t have access to therapy, or mental health services… so many people that would benefit from it.

I also want to touch on the fact that this movie is basically just a documentary of an emotional conversation between two men. and it’s an INCREDIBLY important conversation. This is something that we don’t see in media enough, and men need to know it’s okay to seek emotional support. It doesn’t make you any less than any other man. It takes a certain kind of strength to accept help, and show vulnerability. and it’s okay not to be “strong” and stoic all the time. Mental Health support matters to everyone. Especially men… & I say especially because for generations, men have been taught to repress their feelings and it has caused a lot of problems in society. Fuck—it’s even caused a lot of problems in my own family… Maybe if more little boys were shown the same compassion that little girls are, they’d be able to adequately express their emotions as adults. But until then, I really want to see more stuff like this. More stories, more honesty, more sharing, more connection.

One of the things Stutz talks about in the movie, is how relationships are like hand-holds to depressed people. You can’t climb out of a pit on your own; you need something to grab on to. You need people to offer you a grip, while you pull yourself out.

I find that to be painfully true.

At the lowest times in my life, when I felt the most lost and desperate, I can identify at least one person who came to check on me and remind me of my worth… or atleast one book, or movie, or song that reminded me it’s worth it to keep going… there has always been some kind of outside voice I have found to guide me. Regardless of how tough and strong we are, we can still find ourselves lost inside the maze of our own thoughts… everyone needs help sometimes. and that is OKAY.

On the contrary—I think it’s actually a good thing. Everyone has a dark-side they need to face at some point, in order to grow.

That is another idea that is brought up in the movie… you can never defeat your inner asshole. That inside voice of doubt… the one who tells you that you can’t do the things. Stutz calls it “Part X”, or our “shadow selves”. It will always be there. You can silence it and disable it for a while… but it will always come back around to teach you something, and to show you the areas in your subconscious that need your attention.

Stutz’ method of therapy basically just provides you with mental health tools to adequately go up to battle with your Part X.

Anyway, as if it wasn’t obvious; I highly recommend watching this movie. I’d go as far as to say it’s a “MUST WATCH”, especially during this difficult time of year. Even if you aren’t currently battling any demons, this is just an inspiring story about two men who want to help people. It’s heartwarming and visually interesting. And there is a lot to learn and a whole range of emotions to experience throughout the movie, if you are open to the journey. It’s streaming on Netflix now.

PS. I just found out there is also a book that Stutz and his partner wrote a while ago, that explains their therapeutic method in more depth. I just started reading it. It’s called ‘The Tools’ & you can find it on audible and amazon.

Peace + Love to all of you.

xo, H

"Standing on the roof, complaining to the moon..."

“Standing on the roof, complaining to the moon.

The only time I tell the truth is when i’m naked in my bedroom…”

Welcome back! It’s been quite a while since I checked in here. I just wanted to make an entry to talk a bit about my new project Mystik Spiral, and explain myself and my intentions. I guess this is also me officially coming out of the “broom closet”...

Yer girl is a Witch. & Mystik Spiral is the name of my apothecary that I created to share my craft. I identify as an ‘Eclectic Witch’ to be more specific, and most of my practice involves divination, healing, art & music.

My practice started with a desire for self-healing… I started reading Tarot cards in 2012, and I have spent the last 10 years developing the rest of my spirituality without even fully realizing it. After I discovered oracle cards and positive affirmations, I continued with color therapy, yoga + meditation.. and it evolved into a full-blown ritual practice. I studied about astrology, herbalism, aromatherapy and crystals. I found ‘Human Design’, and started living my life based on being a “Projector”. I got into theology and studied about all different religions and spent a couple years thinking I was a buddhist… (spoiler alert: i’m not.)

I was just at that time in life when you desire to search for “meaning”, ya know? I feel like it’s probably a pretty common feeling to experience in your mid-20’s.. especially as someone who was raised in a non-religious household…

Something I found interesting while skimming and scanning all the various religious content I looked through was how many similarities there were. My understanding of it all is that the idea of God is universally always the same — he/she/they basically just wears a different outfit for different people and cultures.. & I believe there is something to that… there’s gotta be a reason that so many completely unrelated people have found their way to essentially the same place.

I knew at that point that I wanted to find something to believe in, but I really didn’t resonate with any religion I had learned about yet. Plus—the idea of beginning any kind of spiritual practice was really alien and intimidating to me and I had no idea where to even begin to look for advice without being indoctrinated… so I kinda just kept myself open to the idea of a higher power, and went about my life.

“My heart’s made of parts of all that surround me…

…and that’s why the devil just can’t get around me.”

Then one day, sometime in 2016, I found some old witch’s rad collection of magick books at the thrift store. I remember seeing like, just a whole wall of metaphysical and witchy books from the 60s, 70s, 80s, & 90s and lighting UP at the sight of it. I wish I could’ve bought them all… there were probably hundreds of books to choose from & so many of the covers were just so beautiful and eye-catching. I’m also REALLY inspired by vintage typography and graphic design, so even though I didn’t necessarily plan to read all of them at the time, I bought like 10 of my favorites just based off the cover art.. and then I DID read them. That one trip to the thrift store led me down a whole new path; of pagans and wiccans and alchemists and metaphysical philosophy and holistic healing and manifesting, and, and, and, and…!!!

I finally found my faith. I collected it from a thrift store.

Exactly as it was meant to be, at exactly the right time…

I set up an official altar for myself. I started connecting with my higher power, calling in spirit guides, casting spells, and connecting with other witches online… all under an alias. I’ve continued to unlock more levels to my own healing, and I have a hunger to keep learning. I've been privately nurturing my faith and developing my own rituals for years and only just now, i’m finally feeling called to open up and begin sharing my light with others.

Although I’ve been practicing for several years now I have hesitated to claim the title of “Witch” for a long time, for a few reasons. First; there is a wholeass history of negative connotations and imagery surrounding witches and witchcraft. We have been burned, and outcast, and misunderstood for always. I myself have misunderstood the community in many different ways, and it wasn’t until I started down my own self-led spiritual path that I realized how wrong so many of my assumptions were.

Second; I felt like an imposter. Who was I to say I am a witch? What even IS a witch? It sounded really ethereal to me, and it seemed really inaccessible. I grew up obsessed with all the fictional witches i saw in movies and TV, feeling connected to them for unknown reasons... wishing I could live in a magical world too. But it was always just my own private longing that never went beyond my imagination. I never realized it was because I was one of them. I never believed it could even be real.

I also felt like.. I don’t know. Superficially, I just don’t fit in to that world; the “Magick with a K” world… no offense meant to anyone, but I just personally do not vibe with modern witchcraft aesthetics. Most of the crystal/crescent moon/black+gold minimalist designs I see nowadays are trendy to the point of tacky, and I want nothing to do with it… but then I remembered that none of that was a requirement. Just because I practice witchcraft, doesn’t mean I have to lose my own identity. It doesn’t actually matter what you look like or how you dress. Intentions are all that matter… and my intentions are pure.

Ever since I was a teenager, I have felt this calling… I developed depression and anxiety at a young age, but I have always wanted to help people who felt like me. I’ve always been the friend people came to, to confide their problems in. I’m non-judgmental and I listen and I genuinely care… & I always felt like that’s what made me important — My ability to really hear what people are saying, and feel the feelings beneath their words. I believe that my childhood trauma taught me empathy. I believe I am a healer.

I have healed my own soul, over and over and over again… and I know I’m here to help others help themselves. I believe I have the ability to guide others inwards, towards themselves and their own self-healing journeys. I am here to embody and promote personal power and self-acceptance. I am here to encourage others to love themselves. I am here to demonstrate authenticity. I am here to teach, and to learn.

ALLLL of that just to say, Mystik Spiral is the way I have chosen to help others.

Candle magick in particular really speaks to me, and it works for me, so I have decided to start there. With candles, I am able to combine several different avenues of holistic healing into one charged object. I use aromatherapy, chromotherapy, herbal therapy, crystal therapy, and positive intentions to make my candles and I am proud to offer them to you.

You will also find links to playlists in each candle listing. Music is a very big part of my spiritual practice, and it’s my favorite way to connect with the universe and with other people. Let’s be Spotify friends!

Anyway—I guess that’s all I have to say for now… but this is just the beginning for this version of me. I’m not going anywhere.

Thank you for reading my words, thank you for being yourself, and thank you for being here.

Love Always,

Haley Mariah Tuesday Wise

“I’m the Witch of your dreams, I’m the voice in your head.

Your husband sent me a DM and I just left him on ‘Read’…

My planet’s Mercury, My element is Air.

I’m such a free-spirit that I don’t fucking care.”

"I certainly haven't been spreading myself around..." ...or, the one where I reflect on post-pandemic feelings.

“I certainly haven’t been shopping for any new shoes. And, I certainly haven’t been spreading myself around. I still only travel by foot, and by foot it’s a slow climb; but i’m good at being uncomfortable so I can’t stop changing all the time…”

-extraordinary machine, fiona apple

Hello, again. Long time/No see. I’ve been trying to figure out how to thrust myself back into society for the last few months and writing seems like a good place to start. Since I was teenager, I’ve been reaching for my blog when I needed to express myself publicly. Something about typing my thoughts into a word processor.. I don’t know. It’s almost like talking to someone else? I am an active writer, and I do keep a private journal to work through the heaviest and most private stuff in my brain.. but I feel like I owe some kind of an explanation to my friends and acquaintances.

I am still alive. I am still here. I am still growing. I am still trying. I haven’t given up yet. 

I have spent the last few years floundering around my dreams, lots of back and forth with myself.. I got a little off-course with my career goals as the pandemic settled in, but I don’t feel as if any of my time was wasted. I poured all of my love and energy and attention and creativity into making my apartment a home, and keeping my daughter happy. I am grateful for the time that quarantine allowed me to step back and settle into my foundation, but I am also sad.

I mourn the life I was dreaming of before everything changed. I mourn the opportunities I lost.. I mourn the person I was before I started wearing sweatpants every single day. It hasn’t been easy to confront. And I don’t think I’m alone in feeling like this. It’s been hard for me to push myself outside of the private little world I created, but I feel like I’m getting bedsores. I need to stretch out and share myself again. I have so much I’ve been hiding, I feel like I want to explode. It physically hurts to try and keep it all inside any longer. 

One positive I’ve experienced since taking a step back from the internet though, is that I’ve finally broken my addiction to social media.. I genuinely don’t give a single fuck about how many followers I have, or how many likes I get. I don’t have any notifications turned on for anything. I only check social media when I feel like it, I only post when I feel like it. I have splintered away from the comparison game and the only person I’m competing with now is the woman I was yesterday. I do miss that bit of human interaction, though.. I started an Instagram because I like sharing what I create. I like connecting with other artists. I like keeping a digital timeline of my growth as an artist. And I like the way it feels to be seen and heard…. And I want those things back now.

I feel I am changing. I mean —- We all are, constantly.. but I feel it right now. I feel an internal push to decide who I want to be, now that I’m “all grown up”. I have spent a lot of time over the last year rediscovering the things I loved as a child. I have given myself a lot of time to rest, and dream, and create.. but I feel disconnected. As an artist and a mother, I am always trying to balance my scales. If I spend too much time on my craft, I feel “mom-guilt”. If I spend too much time away from my craft, I feel miserable. If I share too much publicly, I feel anxious. If I censor myself too much, I feel misunderstood. Basically — finding balance seems to be the theme of my past year. But I think I’m finally figuring myself out. Slow steps are better than no steps. & I feel a little less like a slug and a little more like a moth, lately.. I mean, at the very least I’ve finally started searching for a light instead of burying myself in the shadows.

I am here to inspire others to be themselves, I am here to empathize and understand. I am here to encourage self-exploration and self-expression. I am here to share my knowledge. I am here to collaborate. I am here for honesty. I am still here… and I guess I just wanted you to know.

"One by one, the days are slipping up behind you.." ...Or, The One Where I Reflect On My 20's.

“One by one, the sweetest days of life go by…”

I can’t fucking believe it’s over… I just can’t believe I am actually one week away from my 30’s. 30 god damn fucking years old… (It’s ok—I can swear now, guys. I’m a grown-up! )

My 20’s happened. They passed me right by.. and I honestly don’t feel like I experienced all that much. I meannnnn I gave birth. That was a thing I did. I also spent the last 9 years cultivating a trusting and loving relationship with the father of my daughter. And I spent a lot of time in my 20’s unpacking some seriously heavy baggage -— both literally and figuratively. I realized around my 24th birthday that I was carrying an extreme amount of trauma from my childhood into my adult life; and, like… I also had way too much shit cluttering my house. I started a “happiness project” 6 years ago that led me through quite a few personal highs and lows.. I faced a lot of demons, I let go of a lot of toxic habits, and relationships. I got rid of (almost) all of my childhood junk. I spent time alone. I spent time bonding with my daughter. I spent time exploring my creative vision and learning how to express my adult self. I spent time with my parents. I spent time with my grandmother. I learned how to play the ukulele. I discovered my voice. I got better at drawing. I got better at painting. I got better at makeup. I grew out my natural hair color. I quit wearing makeup. I got better at homemaking. I got better at mothering. I got better at taking care of myself. I became healthier. I became stronger. I quit believing in coincidences. I started believing in myself, and I started loving the woman I am capable of being. I may not have traveled the world, or built a successful career just yet… but I built myself the solid foundation I was missing; I placed concrete over the rubble and ashes of my youth.

One of the most important lessons I think I’ve learned so far, is that everyone is on their own timeline. It’s really easy to look at my peers and feel inadequate when I stack my list of accomplishments next to theirs… but that would be doing a disservice to everyone involved. We all start from different places. We all have different challenges and different privileges, and we all have different strengths. I firmly believe that everything I’ve been through has prepared me to be the person I need to be, to help the people I need to help. There’s no way to tell where we will all end up in the future, but i’ve stopped worrying about that so much. Life ultimately ends in death, and I just want to try and start appreciating all the small joys in the days I have left.

Growing up toeing the poverty line—I have learned that I really don’t need much to be happy. A roof over my head, my daughter, art supplies, and the love in my life have sustained me through some pretty dark times. I am grateful for my past. I am grateful for the knowledge I was able extract out of some really difficult situations I’ve been through. I am grateful for the self-awareness and empathy I have fostered through years of facing my own demons. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow and continue to try and be a better person, every day that I am alive.

Aging is a blessing that is not given to everyone. I have lost numerous friends throughout my 20’s; some of the best people I have ever known were met with tragically early endings. I have been thinking about them a lot as I approach this milestone. (RIP Blaine Kranz, GW Hawes, Ben Hills, David Herold, Johnny Olson, Robert Townsend, Alex Townsend, Jourdana Bradley, Matthew Colson, Jensen Smith.. and so many more I can’t think to mention. </3) We are all so scared of aging, that we forget to appreciate it. There is beauty in the life you have lived, regardless of how difficult your path might have been to walk down. There is beauty in our graying hair, our weathering skin and the fleeting nature of our bodies. There are certain things in life that you can only learn through experience, and experience takes time.

A dear friend Jeph told me on my 23rd birthday: “Happy birthday Haley, but you’re not allowed to use the phrase ‘Back in the day‘ until you turn 30.”

I must say, as I approach legitimate adulthood—that was sound advice. Because your 20’s are your days. & You don’t know shit about shit in your 20’s. You probably think you do. But, sorry. You just don’t. and that’s totally okay. I still don’t really know shit about anything either, and I’m doing alright.

My biggest hope for my 30’s is just that I make it to my 40’s. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to get married. I want to hear more stories, and see more trees. I want to chase bigger dreams, and build a future I am proud to leave behind. I want new experiences, with old friends. And new friends with old souls. I am so grateful to have made it this far in my life, and for the people who have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. I am proud to be 30-year-old Haley… and the influence of my loved ones has not been lost on me.

xo.

A PRECIOUS HUMAN LIFE

“Every day, think as you wake up, Today I am fortunate to have woken up. I am alive; I have a precious human life. I am not going to waste it, I am going to use all my energies to develop myself. To expand my heart out to others, To achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry, or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

~H.H. The XIV Dalai Lama

"…I’m not answering the phone, let it ring—" …Or, The One About mental health & the toxicity of social media.

“Lately, I’ve been feeling like a falling bomb.

The ground is getting closer and the sky is falling down…”

. . .

* loud sigh * Ahhhh… social media. I just got done watching a documentary by Richard Grannon called ‘Plugged In: The True Toxicity Of Social Media Revealed.’ and I immediately felt inspired to write. I’m actually feeling really grateful for this new blog right now and I feel more validated in my path than I have in a long time.. a quick synopsis of the film: Richard Grannon explores and investigates the effects that social media has on all ages, and particularly how toxic it can be to ‘digital natives’ and young adults. He goes in-depth to explain how we are all caught up in the matrix while we engage in social media, and that real-life, real-world connections are the only true connections we have. There’s quite a bit of information to absorb in this film and I highly recommend putting aside an hour to watch this piece yourselves, it is available to stream for free on youtube.

Anyway, I feel like I need to take some time to unpack my personal thoughts about social media a little more after watching that.. the thing is, I’ve been feeling all the toxic effects that the movie talks about, for a long time now. The internet has changed dramatically since I first started using it and the way that we consume content is a lot different in this age.. and with every thing and every one connecting through media, there’s not really any way to escape the information shit-stream without also going into obscurity and losing your professional credibility. I know this from experience.. My personal life was completely shaken up over the last year and I was naturally forced to step away from social media while I sorted out my surroundings. While I was “away” I gradually lost touch with every professional contact I had, my friends quit inviting me to events, my familial relationships fell into estrangement and I lost my sense of self in a lot of ways, as well.

I have a very love/hate relationship with social media. As an artist, I live for the chance to show people what I create. I love connecting with other inspiring people with similar interests and values. I literally dream about finally meeting “my people” and being a part of a creative collective someday.. Social media is a powerful tool for connection, and can be a really positive place at times—but it is not real life. I think that it is important to remind ourselves of that every once in a while.

It’s really mind-blowing, and kind of shitty to think about how many people I know personally and those that I follow online, who suffer with depression and/or anxiety. It seems like it’s a new thing for a lot of these people, as well.. and I absolutely believe that the rise in mental illness can be attributed to the rise in social media usage. Personally, I have been battling depression from childhood. I didn’t have an easy upbringing.. I was raised by an alcoholic father with depression and anger management problems, and my 90 year old grandmother. My mom worked two jobs and just wasn’t home very often.. and when she was home, she was usually very tired and very busy tending to my two older brothers and taking care of my great-grandmother’s needs. I got lost in the shuffle quite a bit, I felt left-out and unheard most of the time. I was also blessed with early puberty.. I started menstruating right after my 10th birthday. It was very, very difficult to deal with those kind of changes at such a young age. I’ve read studies about the effects of early menstruation, and it can have a profoundly negative impact on mental health—lasting thoughout your adolescence and into adulthood. I feeeeel dat. I was an extremely sensitive young girl and I have always felt emotions on a very deep level… I attempted suicide for the first time before I even turned 11.

I used to think I was cursed, I hated my brain. I hated myself. I hated the world. It took an actual lifetime of facing my demons to be able to dance with them the way that I do, now. I never had an advocate. I know my parents love me, but they were simply too self-absorbed and too naive to realize how much I actually needed professional help.. I never got it. Instead, I learned how to channel my depression into art, self-expression and, during darker times, self-harm. As an adult I continue to shy away from seeking treatment, but at this point it is an educated, conscious choice that I am making for myself. I figure that if I have been able to make it this long on my own, I can probably keep going without intervention just fine.. at least for now. I do not recommend it, though. My journey has been long and arduous and I honestly barely made it this far. (If you ever find yourself entertaining the thought of suicide, I urge you to seek help.)

All of this to say, I consider myself a pretty knowledgable source about mental health and I take the role that I play on the internet quite seriously. I do not want to contribute to the unrealistic, disconnected, narcissistic mirage. I do not want to be another perfectly-posed body on the internet that you compare yours too. I do not want to be a face-tuned version of myself. I want to be real. I want to close the gap between what I portray and who I actually am. I want true connection, and I want to be part of an online community that I can be honest with. We need more transparency, more vulnerability and more empathy in our world… but, I digress. I dunno… I’m just like, over here trying to be the change I wanna see n’ shit. Ya know? * insert shrugging emoji *

Social media pressure took on a whole new level for me after the birth of my daughter.. Instantly I was dropped into this nauseating game of “mommy wars”. Every single shit-covered day needed to include a cute new ig photo or I felt like a failure. I started obsessing over ‘getting my body back’ within weeks of my cesarean, because I felt self-conscious for keeping the weight on for too long. I felt isolated and left-out, comparing my long and lonely days to all the smiley ig photos of #momhangs and group walks that I was never invited to. I just felt terrible. Every time I sat down to nurse I found myself completely distracted, checking for likes and scrolling my feed constantly. Looking back, I wish so badly that I would have just turned my phone off and taken in those fleeting moments with my baby… the thing we often don’t realize until it’s too late—the internet will always be there, but time won’t. Real life moments pass by even quicker than trending topics do and if we don’t disconnect, we miss everything without even noticing what we’re missing.

My daughter is four years old now. Contrary to popular #mommygroups all around me—by the time dot turned 2, I basically quit sharing photos of her online altogether. I share a couple photos a year, maybe one or two each season, but I feel so much better. SO much lighter. I am so much more mindful with our time together.. but it was difficult to pull-back and make the transition into “offscreen” parenting, to be honest… it feels oddly against the grain, and I’ve often wondered what people think of the fact that I choose to keep my relationship with my daughter private and sacred… but then, I honestly don’t give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. I’m not parenting for likes, I’m parenting with love. That’s one good thing being off social media will teach you; other people’s opinions truly do not matter as long as you are in line with your own morality. I know that I am the best mother I can be, and I know that my daughter is healthy and happy. She is better off having a parent that is fully present. She is better off having a parent who doesn’t place a shred of her worth in the amount of likes and attention her photos can get. She is better off having her own sense of autonomy and creating her own internet history when she is old enough to make those kind of decisions for herself. There is absolutely no way of telling how our kids will feel about our social media accounts when they are grown. We are the first generation of parents to raise our kids in front of an audience, to document every diaper they piss in. Some kids may not be comfortable with the fact that their naked baby bums and bathtub photos were published for anyone to see. Oversharing our kids photos is weird, to be frank.. it just is. but I mean, to each their own.. if you do it I really don’t care, i’m not judging. No offense. I’m trying not to rant… We just need to realize that every single thing we post will have an affect on someone; on ourselves, on our children and on our audience.

I feel an internal pull, lately; I actually have a deep desire to begin sharing myself online again, but I don’t really know how. I don’t really know why, either.. but I’m trying again. For myself.

self-care for (very) sad friends//10 tips for breaking out of a depression spiral

When I think about self-care, the first few images that come to mind include face masks, scented candles and bath bombs. but sometimes when you’re vv sad, even the most basic hygiene routines can be hard to maintain.. Sometimes you feel unworthy of self-care, regardless of how much you may actually need it… I’ve been there. and I get it. I just wanted to share some of the things I do to help break out of a depression spiral.

1. shower meditation: if you’ve ever had trouble forcing yourself to get in the shower, I highly recommend using a shower meditation. Sometimes it helps to have a gentle, guiding voice telling you exactly what to do, while you are drowning in the ocean of your mind. “Step into the shower. Focus on the water on your skin. Massage your scalp.” For real.. it might sound weird, but mindful showering is fantastic. Water is a natural, renewing life-source and we really should be a lot more mindful and grateful of how we use it and what it does for us, anyway.

2. wash your face+brush your teeth: If showering seems impossible, splash some water on your face and brush your teeth. A bit of cool water on your face will help to wake you up a bit, and snap your mind into the present. Plus - it helps to decrease any puffiness and it will give a subtle glow to your cheeks.

3. change your clothes: I don’t even want to discuss how many days in a row i’ve worn the same leggings.. (“aT fiRsT tHeY’Re cONsTrIctiIve, bUt ThEn aFtEr A WhiLe, tHeY bEcOmE A ParT oF yOu...”) One of the quickest ways I reset my mind when my depression is active, is changing my damn clothes. Even if i’m just changing into a fresh pair of leggings, it always helps more than I think it will. Fresh underwear, clean denim, and a loose t-shirt is liiiiife when I am feeling bummed.

4. eat+drink: Anxiety and depression affect everyone differently, and personally, my nervousness often manifests through stomach problems. My default is nausea, and it becomes hard for me to force myself to eat when i’m really stressed. In addition to stomach pain, I have struggled with dysmorphia and disordered eating for the majority of my life. I am prone to lose my appetite altogether when my emotions are running low... I recommend keeping some pre-made fruit smoothies, packaged snacks and proteins on hand. and always keep a water bottle close-by. Especially when you’re sad. The least you can do for yourself is to stay hydrated while you’re crying off-and-on, and not eating enough.. just, trust me. Drink more water.

5. step outside: I have a pug and a preschooler that need fresh air at least a few times a week, and caring for them has been my saving grace through some really difficult times to be honest. Even just stepping outside my door and breathing in fresh air for a few minutes at a time has been enough to remind me that there is something to live for.. never underestimate the simple power of some vitamin D and a cool breeze.

6. text a friend: There have been some really dark times in my life, where I felt it impossible to reach out. My mind has convinced me of some pretty terrible things about some people that I really love, and some of my biggest regrets include avoiding those loved ones when I needed them the most. If you are fortunate enough to have even just one trusted friend or family member that you can talk to, don’t be scared to let them in. Sometimes all it takes is a quick text saying “I could really use a friend.” If you don’t have anyone you feel you can talk to privately, post something on social media somewhere. You have a network for a reason. “I could use some good vibes right now” is a simple way to reach out without revealing too much. Maybe all you need are some silly memes from your buddies to help get through a rough day.. you are loved, and you deserve attention.

7. color or journal: I’m a pretty big advocate of art therapy. I have been using art to express difficult emotions for as long as I can remember, and to this day - painting with my headphones on is the only time I feel truly connected to myself. You don’t have to consider yourself an artist to take advantage of art therapy, though. Scribbling with a pen on an old newspaper as hard as you can is a creative release. Coloring books, finger-painting, writing the word “fuck” over and over again on a post-it note... the point is just to get your hands moving, and distract yourself for a while.

‘nervous.’ collage. 2018.

8. comedic relief: Usually when the motivation is especially low, I find myself binging on trashy tv to distract myself.. depending on the day, I’ll either dive into murder documentaries, a random drama series, or some terrible 90’s sitcoms. but I always notice feeling worse after consuming certain genres of media. However, intentionally sitting down to a funny movie, eating junk snacks in my sweats and huggling with my family or stuffed animals really is the best medicine sometimes.

9. music: I have about 75 playlists on my spotify account; I make them for alll the different moods and genres and activities or tasks that I find myself doing. and it’s honestly one of the things that makes me happiest when i’m sad. I have one called “Happy Music” that I frequent when I need a pick-me-up, and I highly suggest the practice of keeping an ongoing playlist of your “happy music”, too. Loud headphones and dancing like a goon in my basement by myself is fucking CHURCH, friends.

10. cry: When all else fails, sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is LET THAT SHIT OUT. Allow yourself a good long cry, feel your feelings and then release them out of your eyeballs. Then, wash your face and dust your shoulders off.

You will get through this. Feelings are temporary—all of them. Happiness, sadness, rage, depression, excitement, fear, hope; and none of them define you. Let your pain move through you and be gentle with yourself.

xo.