"…I’m not answering the phone, let it ring—" …Or, The One About mental health & the toxicity of social media.

“Lately, I’ve been feeling like a falling bomb.

The ground is getting closer and the sky is falling down…”

. . .

* loud sigh * Ahhhh… social media. I just got done watching a documentary by Richard Grannon called ‘Plugged In: The True Toxicity Of Social Media Revealed.’ and I immediately felt inspired to write. I’m actually feeling really grateful for this new blog right now and I feel more validated in my path than I have in a long time.. a quick synopsis of the film: Richard Grannon explores and investigates the effects that social media has on all ages, and particularly how toxic it can be to ‘digital natives’ and young adults. He goes in-depth to explain how we are all caught up in the matrix while we engage in social media, and that real-life, real-world connections are the only true connections we have. There’s quite a bit of information to absorb in this film and I highly recommend putting aside an hour to watch this piece yourselves, it is available to stream for free on youtube.

Anyway, I feel like I need to take some time to unpack my personal thoughts about social media a little more after watching that.. the thing is, I’ve been feeling all the toxic effects that the movie talks about, for a long time now. The internet has changed dramatically since I first started using it and the way that we consume content is a lot different in this age.. and with every thing and every one connecting through media, there’s not really any way to escape the information shit-stream without also going into obscurity and losing your professional credibility. I know this from experience.. My personal life was completely shaken up over the last year and I was naturally forced to step away from social media while I sorted out my surroundings. While I was “away” I gradually lost touch with every professional contact I had, my friends quit inviting me to events, my familial relationships fell into estrangement and I lost my sense of self in a lot of ways, as well.

I have a very love/hate relationship with social media. As an artist, I live for the chance to show people what I create. I love connecting with other inspiring people with similar interests and values. I literally dream about finally meeting “my people” and being a part of a creative collective someday.. Social media is a powerful tool for connection, and can be a really positive place at times—but it is not real life. I think that it is important to remind ourselves of that every once in a while.

It’s really mind-blowing, and kind of shitty to think about how many people I know personally and those that I follow online, who suffer with depression and/or anxiety. It seems like it’s a new thing for a lot of these people, as well.. and I absolutely believe that the rise in mental illness can be attributed to the rise in social media usage. Personally, I have been battling depression from childhood. I didn’t have an easy upbringing.. I was raised by an alcoholic father with depression and anger management problems, and my 90 year old grandmother. My mom worked two jobs and just wasn’t home very often.. and when she was home, she was usually very tired and very busy tending to my two older brothers and taking care of my great-grandmother’s needs. I got lost in the shuffle quite a bit, I felt left-out and unheard most of the time. I was also blessed with early puberty.. I started menstruating right after my 10th birthday. It was very, very difficult to deal with those kind of changes at such a young age. I’ve read studies about the effects of early menstruation, and it can have a profoundly negative impact on mental health—lasting thoughout your adolescence and into adulthood. I feeeeel dat. I was an extremely sensitive young girl and I have always felt emotions on a very deep level… I attempted suicide for the first time before I even turned 11.

I used to think I was cursed, I hated my brain. I hated myself. I hated the world. It took an actual lifetime of facing my demons to be able to dance with them the way that I do, now. I never had an advocate. I know my parents love me, but they were simply too self-absorbed and too naive to realize how much I actually needed professional help.. I never got it. Instead, I learned how to channel my depression into art, self-expression and, during darker times, self-harm. As an adult I continue to shy away from seeking treatment, but at this point it is an educated, conscious choice that I am making for myself. I figure that if I have been able to make it this long on my own, I can probably keep going without intervention just fine.. at least for now. I do not recommend it, though. My journey has been long and arduous and I honestly barely made it this far. (If you ever find yourself entertaining the thought of suicide, I urge you to seek help.)

All of this to say, I consider myself a pretty knowledgable source about mental health and I take the role that I play on the internet quite seriously. I do not want to contribute to the unrealistic, disconnected, narcissistic mirage. I do not want to be another perfectly-posed body on the internet that you compare yours too. I do not want to be a face-tuned version of myself. I want to be real. I want to close the gap between what I portray and who I actually am. I want true connection, and I want to be part of an online community that I can be honest with. We need more transparency, more vulnerability and more empathy in our world… but, I digress. I dunno… I’m just like, over here trying to be the change I wanna see n’ shit. Ya know? * insert shrugging emoji *

Social media pressure took on a whole new level for me after the birth of my daughter.. Instantly I was dropped into this nauseating game of “mommy wars”. Every single shit-covered day needed to include a cute new ig photo or I felt like a failure. I started obsessing over ‘getting my body back’ within weeks of my cesarean, because I felt self-conscious for keeping the weight on for too long. I felt isolated and left-out, comparing my long and lonely days to all the smiley ig photos of #momhangs and group walks that I was never invited to. I just felt terrible. Every time I sat down to nurse I found myself completely distracted, checking for likes and scrolling my feed constantly. Looking back, I wish so badly that I would have just turned my phone off and taken in those fleeting moments with my baby… the thing we often don’t realize until it’s too late—the internet will always be there, but time won’t. Real life moments pass by even quicker than trending topics do and if we don’t disconnect, we miss everything without even noticing what we’re missing.

My daughter is four years old now. Contrary to popular #mommygroups all around me—by the time dot turned 2, I basically quit sharing photos of her online altogether. I share a couple photos a year, maybe one or two each season, but I feel so much better. SO much lighter. I am so much more mindful with our time together.. but it was difficult to pull-back and make the transition into “offscreen” parenting, to be honest… it feels oddly against the grain, and I’ve often wondered what people think of the fact that I choose to keep my relationship with my daughter private and sacred… but then, I honestly don’t give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. I’m not parenting for likes, I’m parenting with love. That’s one good thing being off social media will teach you; other people’s opinions truly do not matter as long as you are in line with your own morality. I know that I am the best mother I can be, and I know that my daughter is healthy and happy. She is better off having a parent that is fully present. She is better off having a parent who doesn’t place a shred of her worth in the amount of likes and attention her photos can get. She is better off having her own sense of autonomy and creating her own internet history when she is old enough to make those kind of decisions for herself. There is absolutely no way of telling how our kids will feel about our social media accounts when they are grown. We are the first generation of parents to raise our kids in front of an audience, to document every diaper they piss in. Some kids may not be comfortable with the fact that their naked baby bums and bathtub photos were published for anyone to see. Oversharing our kids photos is weird, to be frank.. it just is. but I mean, to each their own.. if you do it I really don’t care, i’m not judging. No offense. I’m trying not to rant… We just need to realize that every single thing we post will have an affect on someone; on ourselves, on our children and on our audience.

I feel an internal pull, lately; I actually have a deep desire to begin sharing myself online again, but I don’t really know how. I don’t really know why, either.. but I’m trying again. For myself.