"I certainly haven't been spreading myself around..." ...or, the one where I reflect on post-pandemic feelings.
“I certainly haven’t been shopping for any new shoes. And, I certainly haven’t been spreading myself around. I still only travel by foot, and by foot it’s a slow climb; but i’m good at being uncomfortable so I can’t stop changing all the time…”
-extraordinary machine, fiona apple
Hello, again. Long time/No see. I’ve been trying to figure out how to thrust myself back into society for the last few months and writing seems like a good place to start. Since I was teenager, I’ve been reaching for my blog when I needed to express myself publicly. Something about typing my thoughts into a word processor.. I don’t know. It’s almost like talking to someone else? I am an active writer, and I do keep a private journal to work through the heaviest and most private stuff in my brain.. but I feel like I owe some kind of an explanation to my friends and acquaintances.
I am still alive. I am still here. I am still growing. I am still trying. I haven’t given up yet.
I have spent the last few years floundering around my dreams, lots of back and forth with myself.. I got a little off-course with my career goals as the pandemic settled in, but I don’t feel as if any of my time was wasted. I poured all of my love and energy and attention and creativity into making my apartment a home, and keeping my daughter happy. I am grateful for the time that quarantine allowed me to step back and settle into my foundation, but I am also sad.
I mourn the life I was dreaming of before everything changed. I mourn the opportunities I lost.. I mourn the person I was before I started wearing sweatpants every single day. It hasn’t been easy to confront. And I don’t think I’m alone in feeling like this. It’s been hard for me to push myself outside of the private little world I created, but I feel like I’m getting bedsores. I need to stretch out and share myself again. I have so much I’ve been hiding, I feel like I want to explode. It physically hurts to try and keep it all inside any longer.
One positive I’ve experienced since taking a step back from the internet though, is that I’ve finally broken my addiction to social media.. I genuinely don’t give a single fuck about how many followers I have, or how many likes I get. I don’t have any notifications turned on for anything. I only check social media when I feel like it, I only post when I feel like it. I have splintered away from the comparison game and the only person I’m competing with now is the woman I was yesterday. I do miss that bit of human interaction, though.. I started an Instagram because I like sharing what I create. I like connecting with other artists. I like keeping a digital timeline of my growth as an artist. And I like the way it feels to be seen and heard…. And I want those things back now.
I feel I am changing. I mean —- We all are, constantly.. but I feel it right now. I feel an internal push to decide who I want to be, now that I’m “all grown up”. I have spent a lot of time over the last year rediscovering the things I loved as a child. I have given myself a lot of time to rest, and dream, and create.. but I feel disconnected. As an artist and a mother, I am always trying to balance my scales. If I spend too much time on my craft, I feel “mom-guilt”. If I spend too much time away from my craft, I feel miserable. If I share too much publicly, I feel anxious. If I censor myself too much, I feel misunderstood. Basically — finding balance seems to be the theme of my past year. But I think I’m finally figuring myself out. Slow steps are better than no steps. & I feel a little less like a slug and a little more like a moth, lately.. I mean, at the very least I’ve finally started searching for a light instead of burying myself in the shadows.
I am here to inspire others to be themselves, I am here to empathize and understand. I am here to encourage self-exploration and self-expression. I am here to share my knowledge. I am here to collaborate. I am here for honesty. I am still here… and I guess I just wanted you to know.
