"One by one, the days are slipping up behind you.." ...Or, The One Where I Reflect On My 20's.

“One by one, the sweetest days of life go by…”

I can’t fucking believe it’s over… I just can’t believe I am actually one week away from my 30’s. 30 god damn fucking years old… (It’s ok—I can swear now, guys. I’m a grown-up! )

My 20’s happened. They passed me right by.. and I honestly don’t feel like I experienced all that much. I meannnnn I gave birth. That was a thing I did. I also spent the last 9 years cultivating a trusting and loving relationship with the father of my daughter. And I spent a lot of time in my 20’s unpacking some seriously heavy baggage -— both literally and figuratively. I realized around my 24th birthday that I was carrying an extreme amount of trauma from my childhood into my adult life; and, like… I also had way too much shit cluttering my house. I started a “happiness project” 6 years ago that led me through quite a few personal highs and lows.. I faced a lot of demons, I let go of a lot of toxic habits, and relationships. I got rid of (almost) all of my childhood junk. I spent time alone. I spent time bonding with my daughter. I spent time exploring my creative vision and learning how to express my adult self. I spent time with my parents. I spent time with my grandmother. I learned how to play the ukulele. I discovered my voice. I got better at drawing. I got better at painting. I got better at makeup. I grew out my natural hair color. I quit wearing makeup. I got better at homemaking. I got better at mothering. I got better at taking care of myself. I became healthier. I became stronger. I quit believing in coincidences. I started believing in myself, and I started loving the woman I am capable of being. I may not have traveled the world, or built a successful career just yet… but I built myself the solid foundation I was missing; I placed concrete over the rubble and ashes of my youth.

One of the most important lessons I think I’ve learned so far, is that everyone is on their own timeline. It’s really easy to look at my peers and feel inadequate when I stack my list of accomplishments next to theirs… but that would be doing a disservice to everyone involved. We all start from different places. We all have different challenges and different privileges, and we all have different strengths. I firmly believe that everything I’ve been through has prepared me to be the person I need to be, to help the people I need to help. There’s no way to tell where we will all end up in the future, but i’ve stopped worrying about that so much. Life ultimately ends in death, and I just want to try and start appreciating all the small joys in the days I have left.

Growing up toeing the poverty line—I have learned that I really don’t need much to be happy. A roof over my head, my daughter, art supplies, and the love in my life have sustained me through some pretty dark times. I am grateful for my past. I am grateful for the knowledge I was able extract out of some really difficult situations I’ve been through. I am grateful for the self-awareness and empathy I have fostered through years of facing my own demons. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow and continue to try and be a better person, every day that I am alive.

Aging is a blessing that is not given to everyone. I have lost numerous friends throughout my 20’s; some of the best people I have ever known were met with tragically early endings. I have been thinking about them a lot as I approach this milestone. (RIP Blaine Kranz, GW Hawes, Ben Hills, David Herold, Johnny Olson, Robert Townsend, Alex Townsend, Jourdana Bradley, Matthew Colson, Jensen Smith.. and so many more I can’t think to mention. </3) We are all so scared of aging, that we forget to appreciate it. There is beauty in the life you have lived, regardless of how difficult your path might have been to walk down. There is beauty in our graying hair, our weathering skin and the fleeting nature of our bodies. There are certain things in life that you can only learn through experience, and experience takes time.

A dear friend Jeph told me on my 23rd birthday: “Happy birthday Haley, but you’re not allowed to use the phrase ‘Back in the day‘ until you turn 30.”

I must say, as I approach legitimate adulthood—that was sound advice. Because your 20’s are your days. & You don’t know shit about shit in your 20’s. You probably think you do. But, sorry. You just don’t. and that’s totally okay. I still don’t really know shit about anything either, and I’m doing alright.

My biggest hope for my 30’s is just that I make it to my 40’s. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to get married. I want to hear more stories, and see more trees. I want to chase bigger dreams, and build a future I am proud to leave behind. I want new experiences, with old friends. And new friends with old souls. I am so grateful to have made it this far in my life, and for the people who have helped to shape me into the woman I am today. I am proud to be 30-year-old Haley… and the influence of my loved ones has not been lost on me.

xo.

A PRECIOUS HUMAN LIFE

“Every day, think as you wake up, Today I am fortunate to have woken up. I am alive; I have a precious human life. I am not going to waste it, I am going to use all my energies to develop myself. To expand my heart out to others, To achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry, or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

~H.H. The XIV Dalai Lama